Plasmatron Oscillators and Psionic Helmets – Available Now!

Time machines are a staple of science fiction and daydreams alike. From H.G. Wells’ vision of a bizarrely distant future to thoughts of how wonderful it would be to go back to yesterday and remember to mail the taxes, time machines have lasting appeal.

It is strange, then, that everyone doesn’t already own one, when they’re readily available for only $500.00 readymade or $25.00 for the plans. There’s even a wide variety to choose from – the luxurious Hyper Dimensional Resonator may be a splurge, but for less than the cost of a moderate restaurant meal one can acquire the blueprints for a Flux Capacitor, a Plasmatron Oscillator, and a Fluxatron, all in one convenient package.

The same vendor, Secret Technology Labs, offers the Psionic Helmet, a “mind focusing/tuning helmet” for use in altering the thoughts of others. Be warned, however; the Psionic Helmet is not particularly discreet, and the first action to take when wearing it might be to telepathically urge others to ignore the odd-looking object on your head.

For those interested in controlling their own minds, rather than the minds of others, the Lucid Dream Goggles – only $290.00! – might be a more appropriate purchase. These amazing eyepieces allow the wearer to induce lucid dreaming at any time. On a more practical note, the Rife Machine 2 is an alternative medicine machine which, shockingly, Secret Technology Labs suggests has been repressed by the American Medical Association (AMA). Included in the Rife Machine 2 pack is a “21 day do-it-yourself cure for HIV” which “can easily be built from parts obtainable from Radio Shack.” For more common ailments, Secret Technology Labs recommends the “painless” Bio-Stimulator.

If you doubt the truth of these claims, well, more than one website can’t be wrong. Other websites, such as Future Horizons Inc. also offer the Rife Machine. Both Secret Technology Labs and Future Horizons inc. have flying saucers, and Future Horizons inc. also sells UFO detectors, which will “detect any large metal objects moving through the air.” Locating UFOs or finding the airport will be made equally easy – the technology is multi-functional.

No, you say. It’s still not possible, despite the fact that at least two websites vouch for the existence of these seeming miracles. And yet, the website of Secret Technology Labs, where all of these items may be purchased, guarantees that “This technology is real and has been experienced by hundreads (sic) of people worldwide.” If only they’d gone back in time and hired a copy editor.