All I Want for Xmas

Dear Santa, I know I’m Jewish, so this might seem like a waste
of time. But, I thought that if I waited until after that whole
Christmas rush, I might be able to get your attention. Hey, if
stores are willing to lower their prices after Christmas, you might
be able to lower your religious requirements too. And, I figure
that in this progressive day and age, it can’t hurt to hedge my
bets. I mean, look at the world we live in. Kevin Federline
has a record deal, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe
are divorcing, and Paris Hilton has just been voted America’s worst
dog owner in an online poll. Yes, I’ve had way too much
web-surfing/gossip-reading time on my hands since fall quarter
ended, but that doesn’t change the fact that the modern world is a
crazy place. With all this madness going on, it’s not too
far-fetched to think you might respond to the requests of a Jewish
girl looking for some love from the North Pole.

So here it goes. First of all, I want peace on Earth. I know
that’s a little much for you to accomplish in just one night, so
I’ll settle for a few little localized gifts that could go a long
way toward promoting peace in our part of the world. Basically, I
would love to see I.V.’s residents show more respect for each
other. In the past quarter I’ve had unwanted strangers marauding
through my backyard, ridiculously loud neighbors disrupting my 3
a.m. beauty sleep in the middle of the week, and everything from
tiki torches to my car’s sideview mirror stolen. I know that’s the
cost of living in a college town, but I don’t think that it has to
be that way. We’re all broke college kids trying to scrape by on
barely enough cash to pay for our bills and our beers and barely
enough sleep to keep us from getting sick, so why can’t we just
leave each other’s property alone and try to keep the music down
after midnight during the week? Santa, if you could make I.V.
residents just a little more respectful of each other’s stuff and
sonic space, I would be willing to wait a little while on that
whole world peace thing. But just a little while.

Speaking of waiting, it’s been three years since I enrolled at
UCSB and there’s one thing I’m still waiting on that you might be
able to help me out with. First of all, I don’t know if you even
use the bathroom — it must be kind of difficult to take bathroom
breaks with that whole red suit thing to get out of and all those
toys to deliver in just one night — but believe me when I say that,
when it comes to our college campus, a good bathroom is hard to
find. I love that our fine university is so happy to do all sorts
of things with our fees and the state’s funding — we have great new
buildings, bike paths, programs, and professors — but many of our
bathrooms are still crap. Pun intended. So, Santa,
perhaps you could put your considerable weight behind this vital
cause and get us poor college kids some bathrooms with doors that
close and lock, floors that aren’t absolutely disgusting, and
toilet paper dispensers that actually dispense toilet paper. Some
suggestions for restrooms in need of renovations — the Buchanan
bathrooms and the ones underneath Storke Tower. Santa, I know
brand-new bathrooms won’t fit under the little plastic tree my
roommates put up — and they might not fit into the university’s
budget —but a few little renovations couldn’t possibly be that hard
to pull off. And you won’t even have to wrap them.

Of course, these wishes are more for the greater good than for
my own benefit. Which is fine with me, since you know, I’m
basically a very simple girl who would much rather see others be
happy than ask you for something purely selfish and superficial.
But, since I’ve got your attention, if you have some extra time on
your hands, I do have some small, little things I’d like for
myself. First of all, I want a pony. And a
puppy — specifically something tiny and adorable that I can take
with me to lecture. I also want a video
iPod, a new cell phone that doesn’t require duct tape to stay
together, the Alfred Hitchcock Signature Collection, tickets to this
year’s Coachella, a place to stay during Coachella, a landlord
that will fix our leaky bathtub, everything Proenza Schouler, Zac Posen, Marc Jacobs, and Christian Dior featured on their spring 2007
runways — and the body to wear it all — and enough cash to pay off
my bills and buy groceries without dipping into savings this
month.

Now Santa Baby, if I may call you that, I understand that as a
Jewish girl — and particularly one whose already received her
Channukah presents — I might not be in such a great position to ask
for all these fabulous presents. But, if there’s one thing us
Jewish girls understand, it’s how to bargain. So how about this,
I’ll forgo everything in that last paragraph if you help me out
with the respect and the restrooms. Because, let’s face it, what
would be a better way to guarantee a good new year than having nice
neighbors and a decent place to pee during the
day? Plus, I’ll throw in some cookies. Or latkes. Whatever floats
your boat, or flies your sleigh. Thanks big guy!

Love, Mollie