Dear. Mr. President:
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are so so so kind and everyone is very, very, very grateful to you for even thinking about helping and bailing out the millions of Ukranians suffering because of the Russian invasion they stupidly caused (did I say that right?). The Ukrainian people must be so sorry they didn’t understand that all you needed to be on their side was a little gratitude and praise. Well what did you expect. They apparently didn’t even understand they had elected a little dictator, as you say.
TV viewers around the world were apparently waiting to see a very stable genius U.S. commander-in-chief excercise the art of the deal with Zelenskyy in the Oval Office Friday. Oops — no deal. People say It was more like a kindergarten food fight and temper tantrum with the VP jumping in to back you up. That must have been a little embarassing — having two people take on one short guest.
Anyway we hope this note makes you feel better and that we are helping you get over your anger. Guess you could just take all the cards you hold and go back to your quarters, metaphorically speaking; or have your boys put a little punishment on Zelenskyy, or maybe grab his mineral collection. But we hope you won’t do that. Can you promise us not to do that?
Don’t worry, Zelenskyy will surely regret not Announcing an Investigation of Joe Biden that you asked him for six years ago. Hopefully he has learned his lesson and will never ever again refuse you or contradict you or criticize your friend Vladimir Putin. (By the way, what was the deal with Putin you mentioned to Zelenskyy, that you said Vladimir never broke? Something about a hotel room, or video tape maybe? Oh never mind. Don’t say anything more. It was probably top secret classified stuff that you have to treat carefully and not talk about.)
Well, as our parents used to say, just pull up your pants and get back to work. Don’t let this little embarrassment interfere with your progress on tariffs and deportation, or inflation. If I could just figure out how to do it, I would send you a couple dozen cheap Ukranian eggs as a thank you from Zelenskyy to cheer you up and help restart negotiations.
Your humble, humble, humble servant.
Stephen Martin
Amherst, VA
Solvang, CA
PS: If this note doesn’t help you feel better or you can’t figure it out, please don’t put me on some list.
PPS: Please tell Elon not to hold it against me that I am a former Federal employee — U.S. Navy, District Court, FTC, and DOE. If he wants to know what five things I accomplished this week, helping you with this note should count for all five.
