Though Joseph Conrad described the darkest amoral tendencies of human aspiration most eloquently, Monty Python’s Eric Idle countered with the simple admonition, “Always look on the bright side of life.” I have a feeling that even Eric would have had trouble following his advice after our election.
But, here are over 20 reasons to look on the bright side of this upcoming dark administration, and laugh:
There is no one left on the air to report Fox News.
Since the President spends so much time in Florida, we can turn the White House into an Airbnb rental and help pay off the national debt.
Judging by how often they are arrested, we will be able to determine who our best journalists really are.
Job opportunities will abound, and you don’t need to be qualified. In fact, you don’t even need to pledge allegiance to the flag, just to the President.
Because different points of view are banned from their syllabuses, history and sociology classes will be much shorter and less complicated.
A new drinking game will mesmerize the country — everyone has to drink a shot whenever the word “tariff” is spoken.
We will save money by not buying fluoride.
When Aliens arrive, they will be peaceful because they will easily recognize our Leader as one of their own.
We shall find out if anyone alive today can write a decent protest song. We Shall Overcome is obviously not working, and the world described in Imagine exists only in our imagination.
It will become more important than ever to celebrate America’s age-old tradition that, once someone becomes Vice President, we ignore them.
Since the President’s Morning Intelligence Reports are never read, we will save money by not producing them. In fact, anything labelled as “Intelligence” in the Oval Office will be eliminated.
Doctor Strangelove will finally be called what it is: a documentary.
“Woke” will revert to its original definition, “I just got out of bed.”
People will save money by not renewing their New York Times subscriptions because they profoundly doubt if it actually matters what anyone reads.
The new Apple+ show, Fake News, based upon the administration’s morning Press Briefings, will win the first “Best Fantasy” Emmy.
A Department of Conspiracy will be secretly created. Its Secretary will report directly to the President, alone, in a dark basement garage. We may finally find out who really framed Roger Rabbit.
Ellen left the country.
Most championship teams will stop visiting the White House, thus eliminating those awkward moments when an elderly white man, whose sole athletic accomplishment is climbing stairs to get on a plane, is given a pro team jersey with his name on it.
YMCA will replace The Star-Spangeld Bannar [sic]. No matter how you feel about the song, it’s encouraging to know that more Americans will now be able to correctly spell the title of our National Anthem.
“Sycophant” will be named Word of the Year. Four times.
We will find out if anyone wants to become the next Edward R. Murrow by speaking truth to power.
And we can stop thinking about glass ceilings cracking apart and falling down. But just for a little while.
Obviously, I look for humor in dark places, and I admit that Conrad wasn’t all that funny in Heart of Darkness — but he did write this acerbic description of a man who had become morally corrupted by the growth of his own power:
“It echoed loudly within him because he was hollow at the core.”
Conrad’s line might be 125 years old — but it still rings true.