Say you’re traveling around the country or around the world — not necessarily doing exalted mayor or semi-exalted city council stuff, but maybe just being a person. You mention to someone you’re from Santa Barbara. And even before you can deftly slip into the conversation that you’re kind of running the place — how often do you hear something like:
“Oh, Santa Barbara. It’s so beautiful! You’re so lucky!
Obviously, Santa Barbara is one of the world’s iconic places. Like Paris or Venice or Prague or Barstow. And what’s the most famous site in Santa Barbara, the one every tourist has to visit? Obviously, it’s La Super-Rica Taqueria. But second has got to be the Santa Barbara Mission.
I spend more time than most gazing upon the Mission’s historic splendor, since I live on the Riviera, and it can take approximately forever to make a left-hand turn from APS and head downtown.
(Speaking of heading downtown, who the hell screwed up all the streets? Remember the quaint idea that streets were designed to get you where you wanted to go? Well, that’s been fixed. And what about those signs and signals and street markings no one’s ever seen before — at least one of which seems to mean, “Right Turn Permitted, Ignore Bicycle Carnage.” If any of this arcane symbology is on the driver license renewal test, come next August I’ll be walking or — if I develop a death wish — riding a bike.)
But I digress. (Usually.) As I was saying, it can be a challenge to get a single car off the Riviera. As for evacuation in an emergency, imagine the Titanic with only one lifeboat. Which is why when I heard about the proposals to flood the mission neighborhood with hundreds and hundreds of additional residents, I immediately googled “jet packs” ($400,000 and you crash in 30 seconds) and “teleportation” (still mythical). With the proposed six and eight — EIGHT! — story apartment complexes, in a fire our only hope would be to pray for rain. Even normal traffic flow — not one of Santa Barbara’s current strengths — would be a daily disaster.
But, you may ask, aren’t these proposed six — and did I mention EIGHT! — story apartment complexes out of compliance with city zoning ordinances and land use requirements? That might not matter. According to Councilmember Eric Friedman, “Both projects are considered builder’s remedy projects. This means they are using state law to supersede local control and the city is required to follow state regulations rather than our own regulations for some aspects of the proposals.”
Earlier in this column you might have thought that Barstow didn’t belong on that list of iconic cities. If you’ve been to Barstow, you may consider it less than a showplace. Possibly much less. But that’s what following state regulations can get you — Barstow. And several other California cities I could name if the hate mail I’ll be getting from Barstow wasn’t likely to be sufficient.
By the way, if I make it a builder’s remedy project, can I build a piggery next to the courthouse?
In the closest I ever intend to come to actual journalism, I met with a project planner for the city and looked at the proposal for the eight — EIGHT! — story complex. Now I know something about buildings. Not only have I lived in a number of them, but in college I hung around with s couple of architecture students. I never went to any of their classes, but we did a lot of drugs together. And in my opinion, this proposed apartment complex probably wouldn’t be the ugliest thing ever seen on the planet. But it would clearly be in the running.
Admittedly, beauty — and ugliness, I suppose — is in the eye of the beholder. And those guys I knew in college might have been studying anthropology, not architecture. So you should judge the proposed complexes for yourself. We can’t reproduce the drawings here; the proposals are protected by copyright. Still, you can contact the city planning office and see everything. You can’t take photos (copyrighted, remember) but you can share your opinion with everyone you know. Maybe you can write a letter to the mayor and the city council. I understand they’re very nice.
In fairness, I should note that a certain percentage of the proposed apartments would be affordable. Of course, it’s not 90 percent. Or even 30. Still, we have a housing crisis. Santa Barbara particularly needs affordable housing. And it belongs in all neighborhoods. But it doesn’t have to be a threat to public safety — particularly mine — or so ugly it makes your eyes bleed. I think what we all want is development that leaves us Santa Barbara. I’m assuming that people who’d rather live in Barstow have already moved there.
P.S. If you’re with the Barstow Chamber of Commerce, please take a look around you. Is writing me really the best use of your time? Others may contact speaker, author Barry Maher or sign up for his occasional newsletter at www.barrymaher.com.