Groucho and I and the Race for 2028

It hit me during the recent election. Though I’ve been eligible for years — being over 35 and a natural-born citizen — no one has ever asked me to run for president. With all the radio and TV I’ve done, with all the things I’ve written and the speeches I’ve given, you’d expect someone somewhere to have thought, “Okay, this guy’s got a decent business background. And though he’s clearly not as clever as he thinks he is, he’s mildly entertaining and mostly coherent. Maybe he should be president.”

No one, however, seems to have ever thought that. Admittedly, I am brain-damaged, with the dents in my skull to prove it. But clearly a president’s cognitive condition only matters to about half of the electorate. If that. I’ve also been incarcerated twice. Once for — I swear to God — aiding and abetting a loiterer. And once for not making a left-hand turn out of a left-hand turn lane. Obviously these aren’t infractions that get solid citizens arrested. But I’ve rehabilitated myself, and you can be sure any crimes I commit in the future will be worthy of at least a mayor or a congressman.

Unfortunately, I look more like someone who’d aid and abet a loiterer than someone who should be president. Though actually I do resemble a specific president: think Franklin Pierce on a bad day. If you can picture that, you probably know more about our presidents than most of our recent presidents. If you even knew that Franklin Pierce was president, you know more than a couple of them.

Personally, I don’t believe a candidate’s appearance should affect their electability. In any case, I’d be happy to promise that, if elected, I’d keep out of sight. I think voters would go for that. It would give me an air of mystery. And, with all the guns out there, it’d be safer. I’d use focus groups to select the most appropriate-looking spokesperson, unless Oprah would do it.

As for my policies, I’d probably have some. How about:

•  With any idiot being allowed to have kids, too many idiots do. This is child abuse. Couples expecting babies will be required to pass a rigorous parenting course. If they fail three times, their children, as teenagers, may select other parents.

•  To limit campaign contributions, politicians who accept donations in excess of $50 will be required to wear large, brightly-colored patches on their clothing — like race car drivers — revealing each donor and the amount.

•  Since few nominees tell the truth, Supreme Court confirmation hearings will be abolished. Instead, we’ll have a month in which anyone may offer complaints about the nominee, followed by a month of investigation. Then a top prosecutor and a top defense attorney will each have three evenings to present their case on primetime TV. Judge Judy will preside, and the country will vote.

•  The next time a Texas governor threatens to secede from the United States, it will not only be permitted, it will be mandatory. Austin can stay.

•  No one will be allowed to wear plaid, except for card-carrying lumberjacks.

Think I couldn’t get any of this enacted? Pshaw, I say, pshaw! Thanks to our Supreme Court, as president performing my presidential duties. I’d be free to break any pesky little laws — for example, the Constitution — that might prevent implementing my full WTHIW (Whatever The Hell I Want) agenda.

What’s more, Congress and the courts would support me. They’d better. I’d have the army and immunity. And the nuclear codes in case federalism gets out of hand and any of the states acted up.

Of course, no matter how strong the anti-plaid, pro-Texas-session vote, there’s exactly zero chance of me ever winning office in the first place. And that’s a good thing. To paraphrase Groucho Marx: I wouldn’t want to live in any country that would elect me as president.

I’m not the one you need to worry about.

 You can reach non-candidate Barry Maher and/or sign up for his occasional newsletter at www.barrymaher.com.