This Children’s Book Is My Love Language

My family moved several times as I was growing up, and I never quite felt like I fit in. At school in Hong Kong, I felt more American than Chinese. And at school in Boise, Idaho, I felt more Chinese than American. I wasn’t comfortable with how I stood out everywhere.

My mother is a Chinese Vietnamese refugee, and my father is a white American. I was born in Los Angeles and lived in Hong Kong before returning to Los Angeles for college. My “mixed” upbringing inspired me to think about the challenges we face in understanding and embracing our various identities.

In a class at the University of Southern California called Los Angeles and the American Dream, I learned about how various immigrant groups developed distinct neighborhoods across Greater L.A.’s 101, 5, 10, and 210 highways. People feel safe when they are surrounded by others who look, talk, eat, and think like them. I started to understand the divides and cliques that still define large swaths of Southern California.

My upbringing and fascination with cultural development led me to pursue a career in international business development. Living in Hong Kong again as an adult, speaking in Cantonese slang and working as an executive, helped me connect on a deep level with locals and feel like a genuine part of the ecosystem. I developed a cultural understanding that my Western expat peers could not fully appreciate.

My husband and I also started our family in Hong Kong, in 2012. It was an auspicious year and place to give birth to my son, as many Chinese wanted to have children during Year of the Dragon, the strongest zodiac sign. This year, 12 years later, also happens to be a Year of the Dragon.

Today, as the mother of three young children, I reflect on how my childhood experience shaped me and now influences how I parent. Over time, becoming comfortable with my differences — with standing out — gave me the confidence to try new things and trust my instincts. I’ve always wanted to write a children’s book for kids like me and my sisters. The books we grew up with simply didn’t feature characters whose looks or experiences reflected our own. I believe that there are many children who could relate with or learn from the story of the protagonist of Mama’s Love Language, Jade.

Jade notes that unlike her classmates’ parents, who show affection when dropping them off at school, her mother never hugs her or says “I love you.” She doesn’t understand why. Her mother’s Chinese accent—she pronounces her name “Jay” instead of “Jade” — also makes her feel embarrassed. For a school self-portrait project, Jade draws herself with blonde hair and blue eyes like many of her classmates, and she gets upset when her mother serves her Hainan chicken rice for dinner. “I’m not Chinese!” she exclaims.

Jade learns from her father about how her mother’s challenging childhood during the Vietnam War led to a keen focus on her own children’s education and safety. Jade starts to understand and consider her mother’s life and perspective—and how she expresses her love.

Regardless of how Jade’s story might resonate with you, I hope that it helps you think about your own love language (and perhaps your mother’s). I’m an advocate of celebrating diversity, and I hope to continue to share my personal story through Mama’s Love Language.

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Join us Saturday, February 10, at 11:00 a.m. at Poppy Store in the Montecito Country Mart for a Lunar New Year party and book reading.

Elisa Stad is a local author, philanthropist, international marketing executive, and mother passionate about celebrating diversity through shared experiences. If you attended the Santa Barbara Festival Ballet Nutcracker at the Arlington Theater in December, you might have seen her performing alongside her children. Mama’s Love Language, which debuted in November, is Elisa’s first children’s book and a #1 Amazon best-seller.  You can find it at Tecolote Book Shop, at Chaucer’s Books, or on Amazon.