The Rest of the Best

I think The Independent’s most popular issue is “The Best of Santa Barbara.” Everyone looks forward to it because it’s your one chance to see your name in the paper — that is, if you’re the best at anything. And by anything I do mean anything — there’s over 200 categories! Personally, I couldn’t wait to look up who won Best Quick Oil Change.

Apparently, a few categories were overlooked, so here are the rest of “The Best of Santa Barbara.”

Best Car:  That brown Honda that slowed down to let you on the 101 freeway just before you ran out of entrance ramp and crashed into a wall. This is opposed to the Worst Car which is that white Honda on Highway 154 that sped up as soon as it reached a passing lane so that no one could pass it, and then slowed down again to 35 mph as soon as it reached the single lane.

Best Restored Bandstand:  The Alameda Park Bandstand: $300,000 was spent on its restoration. And, knowing the way this town works, the cost of generating and debating proposals on how to actually use this bandstand will probably cost another $300,000.

Best Wharf:  Stearns. Though some call it a pier, a quay, a jetty — or, worst of all, a dock. But it’s definitely a wharf. Or maybe it’s a pier.

Best Zoo:  The Santa Barbara Zoo. Though I would vote for the bleachers full of screaming Don fans during the second half of a water polo match at SBHS.

Best Dead-End, One-Way Street:  The nominating committee hasn’t yet returned from its evaluating mission.

Best Street That Dead-Ends at an Intersection:  Sola Street at Santa Barbara Street. After the city did some very expensive road work, Santa Barbarians cannot turn East or West onto Sola from Santa Barbara — and we can’t go straight on Sola and cross Santa Barbara. It’s two dead-ends in one! Who says we don’t get our money’s worth when we pay our taxes?

Best Airport:  The Santa Barbara Municipal Airport. But is the SBA really in SB? Yes or no? No, because no one is really sure who owns the land. What was to become the SBA began as a commercial venture in 1932, though it would be a decade before it became the Santa Barbara Municipal Airport. United Airlines began service at this location in 1936, and it is said that United suffered its first of thousands of flight delays at this very airport — you can visit the actual plane at Gate 3. It’s still there.

The answer is “Yes,” because the real estate upon which the SBA sits was annexed to S.B. by creating a 300-foot-wide, 7-mile-long corridor, much of which runs under the Pacific Ocean.

Best Parking Lot:  A three-way tie between Lots #9, #3, and #5; however, “Parking On The Street” actually got the most votes.

Best “For Lease” Sign on Downtown State Street:  A 43-way tie.

Best Outdoor Concert Venue that Perennially Features the Cleverly Misspelled Rebelution, Seats over 4,500 People Yet Has Almost No Parking, Is Built into a Mountain, and Has Rickshaw Bicyclers Who Take You to Trolleys that Take You up the Mountain Where Dozens of Absolutely Thrilled Ushers Guide You to Your Seat:  The Santa Barbara Bowl.

Best Chromatic Gate:  The Chromatic Gate. Rumor has it that this is the only tourist attraction in Santa Barbara that has never actually been visited by a resident. The Gate also throws into doubt the accuracy of using the phrase “tourist attraction.”

Best Place To See Famous People:  Montecito.

Wait — Montecito is often assumed to be part of Santa Barbara. But is it really? I mean, it’s not one of our “neighborhoods” or “enclaves,” and it’s certainly not a suburb — well, it might be a suburb … of Hollywood — but not of us. My research found that, because it has no government, Montecito is not considered to be an individual town. It’s actually termed a “Census-Designated Place.” So it’s not part of Santa Barbara. Which means it doesn’t belong on this list. Unless we annex it by creating a 300-foot-wide, 7-mile-long corridor to it under the ocean. But we can’t afford to do that — we don’t have any money left. We spent it all on creating dead-end streets.

The Best List of The Best of Santa Barbara:  There’s only one. It’s in The Independent. And, in case you want to know who won the category as much as I do, the winner of Best Quick Oil Change is … Big Brand Tire.