Unexpected Lessons in Parenting

We asked our readers to share an unexpected thing they learned about being a parent. Here’s what they said.

Edited by Tyler Hayden

Sarah Powers

Parenting is universally humbling; no one skates through without battle scars from a tough season (or five). And still, knowing this, we assume everybody else has it figured out, and that we alone feel unsure. I’ve learned that often the parent who seems to have it completely together, whose life gives off perfect vibes and whose kids appear to be sailing through, is struggling the most. Remembering that we all experience worry and heartache is one of the surprising keys to connection and compassion among parents — and connection is the source of so much parenting joy. 

Hap Freund

When my wife, Claudia, was pregnant with our second child, she battled months of debilitating morning sickness. I was already active with Zach, our 4-year-old son. We spent almost every early morning play-acting Peter Pan. (I was always limited to Wendy while he occupied every other role.)

One day, Zach and I were out to breakfast, when he leaned forward, and, in a very serious tone, revealed to me that “Mom’s my favorite parent.” I realized that I had better be doing this parenting because I enjoyed it, felt fulfilled, and not for some expectation of appreciation or recognition ― which might not ever come.

It was a lesson I carried with me in all aspects of life thereafter ― the motivation to do something needs to come from within, as does the satisfaction. I am grateful that both our boys, now 36 and 32, did grow up to appreciate me, but it is a lesson I hope they remember as they raise our four grandsons.

Julia Mayer

As my kid gets older and enters an age that I clearly recall being (11 years old!), I have had to learn to take time to settle my memories of being 11 and let my kid be his own kind of 11. Especially this summer: I grew up in the Junior Lifeguards program, and what my kid is into and good at is different from me. It has been a huge lesson to allow him to grow and be his own person. I marvel at how amazing he is ― so much like me and so vastly different. What a gift having a kid is.

Ana Papakhian

The most unexpected thing I’ve learned about being a parent is a new love of sports! My eldest daughter easily enjoyed a lot of the things I did, like classical music and the arts. Neither of us is particularly athletic. But my youngest daughter is an avid softball and tennis player. As her talent developed, I learned about club teams and tournaments, and now my husband and I travel around central and southern California and beyond to watch her play.

Of course, by watching lots of games, I became more interested in the rules and began to watch professional games. And the best thing is the community. My daughter has a great athletic mentor in her tennis coach, who challenges her, and the softball community has fully embraced us, even when I ask naive questions. I never imagined I would become a sports fan, but it has given me a lot of joy and inspiration I never expected.

Kelly Cottrell

I didn’t expect being in that constant state of bittersweetness. Every day holds firsts and lasts, and I’ve learned to cherish the present moment on a new level. The saying “It won’t always be like this” is true, even when you don’t want it to be.

Samantha Bryant

When I became a parent, I didn’t know I’d get a second chance at living. You get to play, create, move, and discover all over again, something lost on many too-serious adults. With my son, I’ve learned more about penguins and Legos than I was ever interested in as a kid. Now I’m interested because he’s interested — he’s making me smarter and wiser every day. Also, young children live in the present, and my kids have forced me to remember to stay in the now, no matter how fun or uncomfortable the moment is. 

Anne Sage

The most unexpected thing I have learned while being a parent is just how difficult it is to bear witness to your child struggling. My instinct is to remove the obstacle, sometimes achingly so, but being a patient and loving guide while he navigates life struggles is best for him in the long run.

Tatiana Mendoza Hendricks

Becoming a parent has been a journey of joy, love, and unforeseen challenges. One surprise, especially as a parent of a medically fragile child, was the absence of an automatic community support system. I had to build my own intricate web of support, actively seeking individuals and resources.

Initially, I expected a natural support system to emerge, but I discovered the need to forge connections with like-minded parents and healthcare professionals. Online forums and support groups became a source of solace, offering understanding and empathy.

Building this support network taught me resilience and the importance of nurturing connections that sustain us through life’s unexpected turns. Constructing our own narratives, shaping experiences, and finding strength in the bonds we forge holds immense power.

Jett Black-Maertz

I have learned that our society and economic system have made having a family a luxury. In order to have children and afford a place to live, food to eat, childcare, and money for day-to-day existence, a family of three in Santa Barbara must make at least $44 an hour. Because of the emphasis capitalism places on revenue generation, parents must work. However, service jobs, like child-care provision, pay poverty wages. 

We expect teachers and care providers to help us raise the next generation, but we do not allow them to thrive, or even afford to live in our community. Twenty percent of children in the U.S. live below poverty level, and we are ranked as the second-worst place to raise a family globally. Raising good humans is hard ― our culture is doing everything it can to make it harder.

Richard Closson

I’m now a grandparent to teenaged twins. I still get reminders of notable parenting missteps unrecognized by me at the time, but indelible to my kids as youngsters. Put succinctly: Kids absorb and remember a lot more than we credit them. They grow up with sometimes very different images of us than we intend. And late after the fact, there’s usually little to do about it.

Kayla Cuico

After my daughter was born, I felt like I was immediately slapped in the face with the reality of what her life was going to be like, and more importantly, what hardships she would encounter. Being born as a cis-female raised by two interracial educator moms, the possible scenarios just kept playing in my mind.

So, while our love for our daughter is powerful, growing, changing, and educating ourselves as our child does now feels paramount. Her struggles will probably be different than mine (hell, I might even be one of those struggles) but the importance of being able to meet her where she’s at is something I hope to always strive for.

Katherine Guzman

I learned that in teaching my kids coping skills, emotional intelligence, etc., I’m also teaching myself. Parenting has offered me an opportunity to re-parent myself, and it has been a wonderful form of therapy!

Brittany Chambers

All our kids really need is our attention, attunement, and our deep nurture. They need connection and comfort. They don’t need rigidity; they need regulation — they need to borrow our calm amid their chaos. They don’t need the latest gear and gadgets — they need graciousness and grounded-ness. They don’t need new “techniques” and “training” — they need responsiveness. They need presence over perfection. 

Parenting often requires re-parenting ourselves — looking closely at the generational practices bestowed upon us and examining if our inherited philosophies align with our values. I want to create safety and security in my kids, and doing so starts with throwing out past (often patriarchal) practices that ignore babies’ biological needs. 

I’ve found that most of the answers I’m seeking are already within, guided by millennia of evolutionary biology. The “work” seems to be tuning out the noise and tuning in to our intuition.