It’s that time of year again — when all our elders gather around in a circle, watch the sun rise precisely over the wood henges of our pier, and ceremoniously announce … our city’s budget. And how we pay for it.
I don’t know about you other Barbarians, but I was shocked last year when the cost of parking in Santa Barbara suddenly went up from $1.50 to $2.50 an hour. The only other thing that I know of in this town that can go up 66 percent in price overnight is the “shipping and handling” charge on a ticket to the Santa Barbara Bowl — a term and cost they cleverly retained from sales in the past. “Shipping and handling” is now all digital — they don’t pay for postage today — they don’t even touch the tickets! So why do we pay them to print our tickets at home?
I have the same curiosity and suspicions about parking rate hikes: besides being allowed to park our cars on a rectangular oil-stained space for an hour — what else do we get for our $2.50? Obviously, the city raises revenues to pay for the services it provides and to pay for the salaries of the people who run them. But what are these jobs — and what do they pay? We Barbarians live in a small town — our budget can’t be that big … can it?
Let’s find out. What do we get for, let’s say, a million dollars in our budget? I looked up city jobs and created a sample list, which I laid out as follows: the actual job title with its lowest pay is underlined, and this is followed by an italicized quote I made up as if I were the person who would have that oddly titled job.
Geographic Information Systems Coordinator $104,452.66
“You want to know how to read this map? You see that red arrow near the Courthouse — the one that says “You are here”? That’s you.”
Identification Technician $81,520.66
“Yeah, I think that’s Jim in the photo. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s Jim. Yeah. Pretty sure. It sure looks like Jim.”
Creeks Supervisor $106,001.22
“If I do really well this year, I get promoted to Rivers Supervisor.”
Records Technician $52,796.12
“If you play the last song on the album backward, they actually say that Paul is dead.”
Lead Meter Reader $56,544.28
“This is how this works: I always get to look at the meter first — then you get to look.”
Mail Services Specialist $40,532.18
“Over here is the In-Box. Over there is the Out-Box. Put a stamp in the upper right corner on anything that needs mailing. Okay — this training session is over.”
Pool Technician $56,332.90
“I started out as a Pool Cleaner, and now — well, that’s still pretty much what I do.”
Cross Connection Specialist $78,581.88
“Of course I’m cross — I’m always angry! You try connecting stuff that doesn’t fit all day long!”
Real Property Agent $82,708.34
“There is nothing fake about the things I buy and sell. Nothing at all. I promise you. Everything is real.”
Reclamation Specialist $59,729.02
“Don’t tell me these are Levi’s — these are Lee’s — I know my used jeans! You can’t fool me!”
Recreation Coordinator $60,708.96
“Okay — by show of hands — who wants to join the office softball team?”
Risk Analyst Two $93,691.00
“Don’t forget that I’m watching you, Risk Analyst One — I’m watching you. All the time. Every day.”
Senior Accountant $84,372.42
“I am not an old guy who still uses a pencil and a calculator. Though I do use the 60 and older discount at the movies.”
Urban Forest Superintendent $97,971.90
“I can’t name a Santa Barbara urban forest for you because then it would be a park, and I don’t do parks. That’s not my job. But, do me a favor, if you see any urban forests in town, let me know.”
So that’s what we get for a million dollars.
That’s right. All total, these 14 city jobs cost us over a million dollars. And the website lists over 440 city jobs. So our little town’s budget is a lot bigger than I ever imagined. Makes paying $2.50 an hour for parking almost understandable.
Except, I recently read that the city intends to raise rates again! To $3 an hour! And lower our free parking time from 75 minutes to 60. And raise the daily parking rates at the airport. And raise rates at the train station. All of which left me speechless. Or, as our Office Specialist II-Confidential $48,796.54 would say, “I can’t talk about it.”
Note on calculating the salaries:
The salaries of these jobs that appear in the public budget may differ from the ones listed here. Determining salaries from the budget itself was unreliable because of how they were listed: some salaries required a 2.5 percent increase, some were calculated monthly, some seemed to have had bonuses, etc. Therefore, I used the salaries that were more clearly listed on the city’s official website’s Human Resources page. I always used the lowest salary listed.