Let’s Ban a Book!

Banning books is an American tradition that dates back to 1637 when Thomas Morton’s New English Canaan was banned by the Puritans, who took issue with his description of their genocidal treatment of indigenous people. They also didn’t like that he referred to their militia leaders as crustaceans — Morton had the audacity to call Miles Standish “Captain Shrimp.”

Recently, in Idaho, a group of armed protestors — they actually brought their guns into the library — demanded that 400 titles be banned. But they had not done their homework — none of the titles were in their library. Which disproved the old Idahoan adage, “Who needs to learn how to read when you can carry a gun?”

According to the American Library Association, more than 1,500 book challenges were made in 2021, the most since it began tracking book censorship. Among the banned young adult and children books in the last few years were Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye, Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe, and The Lorax by Dr. Seuss. But why ban these books?

Because, obviously, these books are part of a leftist conspiracy to indoctrinate our children with lifestyles that promote taking human responsibility for environmental destruction, confronting racial injustice, and the right to determine your own sexual identity. When one understands the corrupting influence behind such radical thinking, it’s easy to see why these books had to be banned.

My fellow Barbarians — why should we miss out on all the fun? Let’s celebrate this fine American tradition — let’s ban a book!

And I know which book. I bet you know it too — because it was published in 1947 and there’s over 70 million copies in our homes and libraries. However, due to the subtle presentation of its message, some readers might not realize how insidious this book really is.

The title of this leftist pamphlet is, of course — Goodnight Moon.

Let’s read its subversive text:

In the great green room

It’s great. It’s green. It’s a metaphor for the world we live in. Which we have to save, right? So, we should all go “green” — a term espoused by eco-minded climate radicals who tell us to change our lifestyles everyday — this term was probably coined on this very page.

It’s important to note that the voice in this book is an all-knowing narrator who is never seen or identified — a ghostly Big Brother (for those of you who banned 1984 before you read it, that means Big Government). So the first effect of this book is that we accept and follow whatever Big Brother says.

It’s also important to know that the hero in this book isn’t a kid trying to go to bed — it’s a bunny in human pajamas.

A gender-neutral bunny in fact.

A Little Gender-neutral Bunny Toddler Quantum, to be completely accurate. Henceforth, to be referred to as LGBTQ.

I assume you are beginning to see how this nefarious book has influenced the way we interpret and name things, and then incorporate those thoughts into our actions.

So what’s the first thing that Big Brother draws our attention to in LGBTQ’s great green room?

There was a telephone

A telephone? Little kids in 1947 didn’t have their own phones! So this must be a sign from Big Brother telling us what’s to come — social media on ubiquitous phones will be used to spread insurrection and revolution!

What else is in this green world?

And a red balloon

A red balloon. Communism! But the balloon is contextualized as a play thing — something not to worry about — like letting China invade Taiwan is not a big deal! And this ism is floating right above LGBTQ’s head! Hello!?

What’s next?

A bowl full of mush

Who takes a bowl full of mush to bed? Where do you even get mush? In prison? Is this punitive meal a warning of things to come if you don’t listen to Big Brother? Because the leftist messaging in this story is about to take a very dark turn as another character suddenly appears in the great green room —

A quiet old lady who was whispering “hush.”

Who is this old lady who is mysteriously described as being both quiet and whispering? Is she watching LGBTQ like a dutiful grandma? Or is she watching LGBTQ like a prison guard?

Her chilling message will change everything that LGBTQ does from this point forward. So what does Big Brother have her say? Just one terrifying word: “Hush.”

Taught to listen to Big Brother, LGBTQ immediately obeys the instruction. So, instead of celebrating everything in the world, LGBTQ now begins shutting things down! This starts with the moon — a symbol of light and illumination, adventure and exploration. But not anymore.

Goodnight moon.

One by one, LGBTQ must say goodnight to everything else that has been named in the great green world — right up to this existential stunner which is addressed to an empty page:

Goodnight nobody

Why is LGBTQ saying goodnight to “nobody”? Because this is an acknowledgment of a leftist existential belief that “nobody” is there for us — that there is no God in the great green room. There is no one to pray to. Even at night when you go to bed. I bet most readers didn’t see that coming.

The book ends with the most alarming admonition of all:

Goodnight noises everywhere.

And what happens then? Silence. No more voices can be heard. We’ve been told that there can only be silence in the great green room. All protest must end. Freedom of speech no longer exists.

This repressive message has been passed down night after night, from generation to generation, for 75 years. The leftist agenda subtly hidden in this book continues to infiltrate our American subconscious — it is still available in libraries all over our country.

Obviously, we have to ban this book and save America. It’s time to say goodnight to Goodnight Moon. I told you banning books was fun.