The Words and the Sound of Silence

Like the majority of you recommended, I spilled the beans to my Biker BF about chatting with Brian. I mentioned it as a side note and deliberately didn’t share how ‘violins were playing and flirt was in the air.’ He did seem to care in that very male “why would you want to hang out with him anyway – he sucks on the bike!” way. It’s a funny thing with guys; how they never come straight out and say it when they don’t like someone. Instead, they make some random reference to how they could beat the guy any day of the week in squash, backgammon, fly-fishing, or what-do-I-know. That’s how you know they’re jealous.

Overall, the conversation went well, and The Biker actually seemed pleased that I mentioned Brian. It gave him the opportunity to guide me to spend time on more worthwhile matters – and friends! Props to you guys for providing stellar guidance.

Another – less successful – conversation occurred when my BF called me the other night around 6 p.m. from Greece. I don’t know if he had OD’d on Zorba and Uzo (or perhaps bearded Greek women), but my significant other was impossibly chatty considering it was 3 a.m. in Europe. The conversation went something like this:

The Biker: Hi baby, I’m so glad I caught you.

Me: Hi you, how are things in the Mediterranean?

The Biker: Great, the weather is beautiful and I went water-skiing today after I was done at the office.

Me: That sounds amazing!

The Biker: Yeah, but that’s not why I called.

Me: No?

The Biker: I called because I wanted to tell you something.

Me: Your project has been extended and you won’t be back until 2008? [I was joking, of course, but I did halfway fear that he would have to prolong his stay, now that we were so damn close to seeing each other after five weeks of celibacy.]

The Biker: I called to say I love you:

Me: (silence):So did you hear that Paris Hilton is still in jail after being convicted of drunk-driving? It’s really quite surprising, because her dad hired all these hot-shot lawyers to get her out of this mess and:

I could have said anything, anything but that. I mean, just ignoring it has got to be about the rudest thing you can do to someone you care about. But something in me shut down and I totally panicked at the sound of those words. Apparently, I can handle anything from phone sex to 3 a.m. booty calls, but those words scare the sh*t outta me! And it’s not that I haven’t thought about it, felt it, or even hoped that he would say it. I actually suspected he might, because in my Guide To Etiquette the guy should definitely say it first. Yes, it’s terribly old-fashioned, but I like to be chased. What woman doesn’t?

As soon as we’d ended our conversation I went through my entire repertoire of movie lines, looking for some brilliant comeback. Maybe it wasn’t too late, maybe I could still win a few points in overtime by calling him back? But, I felt like a fish on a bicycle and couldn’t come up with a single thing to say that would even resemble reciprocation.

I mean, just throwing the words back in his face would surely be cheapening the whole concept of L-O-V-E. Then there was the possibility of pulling an ‘Emily’ from Friends and saying “Thanks!” as if he just passed me the salt. Or I could do a ‘Samantha’ from Sex & The City and return the gesture with something nearly as affectionate like, “Of all the men in my life, you are the one who’s meant the most to me.” Nah, sounds like I slept with the entire varsity soccer team!

How can three little words make you so deliriously happy and absolutely frantic at the same time? And why didn’t someone seemingly smart – like Greg Behrendt – write a book on how to handle these things?!

It is unnerving having to face the fact that not only was I crap at the whole multi-dating thing; I also suck at what to do in a committed, temporarily long-distance relationship. So, I end up doing these things that are neither here nor there. Like simply ignoring The Biker’s declaration of love. Much like my favorite Sex and the City gal, Miranda, who ate the cookie so she wouldn’t have to see the words her yummy BF (played by Blair Underwood) wrote. Fortunately, my guy had the smarts not to bring it up again right away. I guess he knows me well enough to recognize when I’m having a regular meltdown and need some time to ponder things before I respond.

I still haven’t mentioned the episode with a word, because that’s how much of a chicken I am. And he’s actually coming back this evening. Unfortunately, I might be slightly belated in letting out an “I won the lottery”-style scream and telling him that I love him too, and have done so for quite some time.

I’m biting my nails and pulling on my hair extensions here, so please lend me a hand, people!

Thanks, and happy beginning of summer everyone!