Facebook and Relationships in Isla Vista

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No matter how well you think you know Isla Vista, CA, there is always somewhere or somebody new to discover here, and absolutely everyone in I.V. is connected somehow. The question is, do you discover and kindle these new relationships on the streets of I.V., in classrooms, or on the computer screen?

Over 85 percent of college students use Facebook, according to a recent study on TechCrunch.com. Facebook is used as a way of communicating and connecting with family, friends, co-workers and, more recently, even bosses. Basic Facebook applications include updating your status to keep people up-to-the-minute with what you are doing, commenting on each other's postings, adding pictures, and "poking." Over 100 new applications are added to Facebook every day, most of them just for fun. What could be more innocent?

And yet, when it comes to relationships, Facebook applications should be approached with a modicum of wariness.

I have personally been Facebook savvy since my senior year in high school. In 2006, Facebook was an open door to connect with new people online that I would soon meet in person at my future school, UCSB. At that time, Facebook was designed exclusively for college students. In fact, until you had an official college e-mail address, you could not even join the website.

The anxiety and excitement was overwhelming as I waited to hear back from the schools I had applied to, UCSB in particular. According to the official UCSB website, a record 47,893 applicants for undergraduate and transfer acceptance waited in anticipation of their acceptance letters. “Congratulations!” my acceptance letterhead read. I was elated thinking of my future education, career, and social opportunities in Santa Barbara. The only next logical step would be to start connecting with my future peers, right? And the way to connect is Facebook. Since then I have made nearly 700 friends on Facebook. Some I already knew in the nonvirtual world, some I now know, and a few I have yet to meet. And while Facebook is a great way to connect with students, keep updated with old friends, and coordinate social events, Facebook has also become an addiction, a source of stress, and a way of defining relationships. In my own experience of four years logging in and out of the site, I have gone through the many romantic trials and tribulations of Facebook. The classic girl talk after meeting a potential future beau has transformed from “Did he call you?” and “Does he make you laugh?” to “Did he update his status?” and “Did other girls write on his page?” When relationships are just beginning, Facebook can often become more of a hindrance than a helper.

Facebook can in fact begin to seem rather malicious. The other day I was talking to a friend who recently was dumped by her boyfriend. “I have deactivated my account, I just can’t take it anymore,” she said. Constant pictures popping up on her home page of him with other, unnamed girls. Constantly wondering what he was doing, and interpreting his status updates and comments on his profile.

This is because on each person’s Facebook homepage, a “news feed” displays a scroll of friends’ statuses. Some statuses are simple, like “At the beach.” Others are famous quotes and still others are completely indecipherable, especially if you catch Facebook at a late hour after partying. The postings may include pictures and links. In any case, the constant feed and easy access to your ex’s page is enough to drive anybody crazy.

But relationship building can also be an exciting and positive experience on Facebook. With everyone connected, Facebook is the new way of shouting “I love you!” from the rooftops. I myself have just started a new relationship. Living on Cloud 9, I have spent many minutes—okay hours—fine, days, studying his online profile. I noted that it read “married” under his relationship status section, but this is a common ploy for the single in Isla Vista. In the past, I have been “married” to my best friend, and my new interest was “married” to one of his.

The other day an interesting “story” (the term know-how users often use for Facebook updates) popped up in the news feed. When relationship changes such as divorces, breakups, or new relationships happen, everyone is notified. All “friends” see the story in the news feed on the homepage and each person involved gets a bright red notification; the story is also displayed on their own profile pages. That day, my new guy’s virtual “spouse” had divorced him. I wondered if that meant he was now up for grabs—for me. When I later asked about the sudden faux break-up, the friend responded, “I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes.”

So what comes first these days? The relationship, or the relationship request? Is it better to wait for the phone call, or the status update? After all, it’s not official until it’s on Facebook.

In summary, here is my version of Facebook Dating Etiquette:

1. Add the person of interest as a “friend”? Sure, no pressure, everyone can simply be friends. And now you have complete access to their page, photos, and status updates.

2. Write on his or her wall? These beginning posts are simple, safe, and just tell the person that you are interested in building this friendship. He’s writing on her wall, she’s writing on his. Life is good.

3. The poke? This application allows you to virtually “poke” someone. The poke is a virtual flirting device. Poking is very ambiguous. Many people say it is for sex, flirting, or dating but it is very superficial. Most of my friends take it as a superficial "You're cute.”

4. Write intimate things on each other’s walls? These comments would be more personal, such as, “I had such a great time with you last night! You drive me crazy.” Something that screams that you are into the other person and lets others know that it is a bit more serious than usual.

5. Change your relationship status from “single” to “in a relationship”? This is for the brave and courageous. It means you’re taken and virtually off the virtual market.

How about a mixed tape, a movie date, and a cyber space relationship request? Who says you can’t have your cake and eat it too?

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• More Eye on I.V. columns

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