Searching for Love, Sex, and Everything In Between

of course, avoid the bountiful tribe reflected in these tales....it certainly makes experiences less than fruitful.

http://www.independent.com/online_onlys/...

Are you kidding? You think you can find a nice guy in this town? You'd be better off looking in Alaska. Good luck. I won't be reading your sob stories. I've got enough of my own.

Good luck; you're personality is compelling, you're engaging in print, and speaking as a self-appointed representative from the other team, I know plenty of great guys who would treat you well.

There is, however, multiple competing factors, not the least of which involve timing and luck.

Online is a great way to meet people, even Craig's List.

You should have your friends set you up. Online (like craigslist) casts a pretty wide and random net, but then you have to whittle it down to the good fits. When your friends set you up, supposedly they've done a little quality control already, getting you past the first hurdle of scary freak litmus test. And I'm not talking about just the online responders - you could be a scary freak to them too.
But why limit yourself to friends, the internet and bars? Try the farmers' market, or Trader Joe's, the undisputed mecca of missed connections on SB craigslist (Coffee Cat gets second place).

Dear Chausser d'homme: Or is it "Chausser d'Argent? (For the uninitiated, Argent is French for "Money") You are about to read an honest, uncensored account from one of those men who you denigrate despite the fact that your reason for doing so is no reflection on our moral character.

Why don't you wake up and realize WHY so many of us live at home. It the economy. The cost of obtaining shelter in this area, an area in which many of us were raised, has become prohibitive and for many the American Dream is just that--a dream.

Thank you for linking stalkers in with those of us who live with their parents. Now,here is your reality check: In case you haven't noticed, real estate in S.B. has gone up somewhat in the last few decades. (About 25-fold since the early 70's) Compare that with wage increases and you have something like a de facto 6-1 increase.

I make $11 per hour and when you take into account that fact that the cheapest, most run-down home anywhere around is over a half-million, it makes it sort of difficult for a working-class guy to achieve the erstwhile "American Dream". Even many with college degrees are scraping by here.

Apartments are also very, very, pricey so yes, I'm one of those you consider a loser who lives at home with his parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and even if I had Donald Trump's money I'd still make sure that ALL my family had the opportunity to live in close proximity to one another and myself, but my living at home is dictated by the fact that there aren't enough hours in the day to work to buy a house or to be able to rent and have anything left over at the end of the month.

Perhaps if when I was younger I could have sold my soul and played the corporate game and been like all the other miserable guys I see in S.B. speeding maniacally down the street, infected with terminal road rage in their giant impressive brand-new S.U.V.'s which they know perfectly well they need to drive in order to impress those around them. These guys also know that if they don't make that mortage payment and maintain that Yuppie lifestyle the little cutie they have hanging on their arm will ditch them for another walking A.T.M. machine. Instead I work at a job that I love, and it's a job where I don't have to behave in a cut-throat manner in order to ensure my employment.

So here you are, seeing that S.B. isn't what it's all cracked up to be. Underneath the veneer of "paradise" what you have is an overcrowded, overpriced mini-metropolis where many have to work two or three jobs just to pay some landlord most of their income. (Any wonder why so many men...and women for that matter...are so cold and uncommitting?) It's a place where women are faced with selling out (Assuming they're pretty, thin, and make sure they keep up with the botox injections) and finding a man with a minimal six-figure income, or finding a man who works and is sober and doens't mistreat people but may (God forbid) "Live at home" or simply can't keep up with all the manniquin-like tailored Yuppies, or,as a final option, simply go it alone.

The other option is to leave S.B. and go somewhere affordable where one doens't have to make nearly as much money in order to raise a family.

What I, as a man who lives at home, object to, is not the fact that despite the fact that I don't drink or use drugs; am not a stalker; don't abuse people; and really try to live my life honorably; and still can't find anyone of the opposite sex to hook up with, (Although I'll admit I got so disgusted with it I gave up years ago) is the fact that people such as yourself make us out as though we are dishonorable when in fact the truth of the matter is you simply are saying that to cover up the fact that you are too materialistic to lower yourself to actually enjoying a man for who he is. You want to live in an area where the cost of living is through the roof but then you whine about the selection of men here, then you blame US rather than financial circumstances.

I have a sister and I also have female friends and they too are not in any big hurry to go out and get hooked up because the choices around here are not all that good, but they, like myself, don't see it as a male/female polemic, but rather as a deeper societal issue. It's time you do the same and quit scapegoating others.

still living at home - i was going to say something to this effect but glad you beat me to it as you have done it so well. this article is disgusting and a sad example of where the indy has ended up...

Jeez people. Lighten up a little bit. It looks like the Indy is finally trying to have some fun amidst all the seriousness going on in town. (Plus, it's probably an awesome way to drive people to the website, which is a good businesss move too.) They deliver the news, why shouldn't they deliver the fun too? Life's not all about sadness, despair, and fired journalists, you know. You're a bunch of squares.

Wow,
living at home-I think you proved her point. Your bitterness at failing to thrive probably leaks into every conversation you have. As a single man with a nice ride and my own 4bd home, I resent all people who assume you have to be a jerk and a sellout if your carefull with your earnings and sucessful in life. Living in SB has always carried a premium cost but not the outrageous one every non home owner whines about. My first mortgage in 89 was at 10.25% and the house sold for about 25% more than in SFV...same as today. oops except you have the benefit of 6% mortgage and lowdown payment. Try finding 3 friends (if you have any) and rent a house for $2500 and voila...you're on your own. I suspect you're probably one of the Y gens who grew up thinking they're entitled to the good life asap as some sort of birth right...sorry, it's never been that way. Now grow up, get a better job and act like a man and you'd be surprized how many young ladies might like to spend time with you. It's up to you, not the guy you think is stealing away your opportunities...

SA1: If you're such a great guy, why don't you ask out Chausser? By the way, I'm not whining, I'm merely addressing the superficialty that I see.

Also, I DO know people who are quite wealthy and they don't have the attitude that Chausser and yourself have so maybe by suggesting the two of you get together, I can do you a favor.

No, for the record, I DON'T resent those who have made it, but I see a lot of so-called "Successful" people who are miserable and complain. No, I don't feel entitled to anything, but I'm not going to sit by and and allow someone to tell me that I'm a piece of garbage simply because of my financial situation.

I work, and in my workplace I am constantly told that I do a great job and THAT is a source of great satisfaction to me so if Chausser, or yourself want to put me down that's your problem. By the way, when you say "Get a better job", let me tell you that there is nothing wrong with what I do.

There IS a snotty Yuppie attitude alive and well and now that I've opened up the can of worms people such as yourself get defensive.

By the way, if you are such a great guy and have so much to offer, why aren't YOU married yet? Is there no one around good enough for you?...or are you, as Chausser points out, a committment phobic?

Sorry Bro,

Perhaps I was a bit harsh with you. You sound like an intelligent guy who could do better financially without "selling out". I don't think either I or Chausser refered to(or even think of) you as garbage. I'm simply objecting to the stereotypes. Everybody has to make choices and sacrifices in life. We all deserve to be judged on our individual merits. No reason you can't meet a woman with resources who's interested in you and doesn't care what you earn. You won't get far by calling her a snotty yuppie I suspect. The one thing I've learned in life though is never give up. Never judge yourself by others accomplishments because there's always someone with more of whatever. Money doesn't buy you happiness just more choices (Seen Britney Spears lately?)

As far as why I'm not married? See C's first link about divorcees. Also I can live here but I can't work here. That's my sacrifice. My clients tend to send me to second/third world countries for months at a time (which I love) Unfortunately that makes it difficult to maintain a relationship. Not to mention with 60% of the population obese, it narrows the choices (sorry, that's one of the merits I judge on, never said I was a great guy by the way just honest and too trustfull).

I don't have a problem finding dates on-line so I highly recomend that to both you and Chausser. It really makes a first date easier when you get to know something about a person by trading EM before you actually meet face to face.

As far as C and I, being well into my 40's, I suspect I'm a bit old for her(still in pretty good shape mind you). Plus I'm not so sure I'd want my personal life in print.

Dear SA1: When you mention stereotypes, you actually make my point because the thing that caused me to add to this blog was the sterotype Chausser made about those such as myself.

I should have been more specific in my first blog. My point was that I don't feel like working at a job I hate just to win some woman's "Unconditional love". If you make a lot of money and enjoy what you're doing, more power to you, but I refuse to become some stressed out neurotic person (And anyone who'se half-awake knows these people are numerous is S.B.) so that I can be more "Attractive" (my quote) to women.

So, maybe I make the choice of being true to myself and hoping that maybe I will meet someone, (although I know the odds are stacked against it) or working JUST for money. As much as I'd like to be with a woman, I'd rather be alone than be with someone to whom I'm nothing more than a meal ticket. What's meant to be is meant to be. With all due respect, and I REALLY mean that with sincerity, I wonder if you are one of those whose marriage collapsed under the stress created by your--or your wife's job? I say this because if you're unhappy in your livelyhood, it can cause much strain on a relationship.

I object to being stereotyped just as anyone else does and of course those of us who live at home are perfectly aware of how it limits our opportunities to hook up with the opposite sex. (And please note that I'm not complaining about that; sure it would be nice to meet someone, but I accept my situation and while some may not believe this, I DO have a life and am capable of extracting much pleasure from it.)

My objection is the sense of entitlement Chassuer displays when she takes the hit against us who have chosen not to pursue the life of being...as the saying goes..."Goal oriented", or who simply do not have the buisiness acumen others and yourself have. (And realize this, it takes a certain degree of talent to make it here in S.B. so your talent is God-given, you can't take ALL the credit, just like good-looking women shouldn't get too big-headed when they put those of us down to don't meet their worldly standards.)

You say that you are not attracted to overweight women, but would you call one "a fat slob"? Well guess what, saying what Chausser said has the same effect and the reason she said it is because little doubt no one has ever brought it to her attention. Well now I have and hopefully it will make people think and the desired result is to teach people to be a little more thoughtful in how they treat each other.

When you say you have no problem getting dates online well HELLO!, you own a home in S.B. and that's the male equivelent of having the perfect physique that you, in your honesty, admit.

SA1, We all must take the hand we are dealt with and do the best we can but when people such as Chausser put people such as myself down for not meeting her financial criteria, it is something that I won't let pass without comment.

Let me ask you, and for that matter, anyone else including Chasseur this: What if Chasseur were a man and said that among his criteria "I don't want any women who are overweight"? Do you think that The Independent would allow such an article to run? Kind of a double standard here.

What it comes down to it simple manners. Sure, I know LOTS of women who wouldn't go out with me for the simple fact of my living situation. They know that I know, bla bla bla, but at least they have the manners not to go around publicly--and what's more write a column about--how they look down on those who do not meet their criterea.

I have my reasons for staying in my situation, just like there are people who are very attractive to the opposite sex who choose to be solo acts, and what people have to do is to respect those choices.

As for your situation, I hope that you can get back with your wife as that was the reason you got married, but not knowing--nor would I insult you by asking about--your situation, I won't pass judgement.

Clearly, I have nothing personally to gain from all this which is why I choose to remain anonymous. What I wanted to bring to light is that people such as yourself, Chausser, and others who obviously have no trouble meeting people of the opposite sex, tend to see those of us who you would not give the time of day to (at least in the dating context) as non-people. In a town where we talk so much about prejudice (A topic covered very thouroughly in The Independent) we don't dare broach the subject of how working-class men are looked down upon. (Excuse the preposition)

One more thing: I don't see that 60% of the women out there are obese, so your definition of "Obese" must be a pretty broad one. But let me give you a little hint: Maybe if you weren't so caught up in physical criteria, both with respect to women, as well as telling everyone reading your blog how physically fit you are, perhaps you would still be married.

I can sum it all up by saying this: Don't reject someone unless they've asked you out.

WOW! I want to wash my head out with Clorox after reading all this stuff. Holy Moses am I ever glad I got out of Santa Barbara and away from the superficial, ego and money-driven lifestyle.

My family and I own a home in the foothills of Solvang; we bought the land and built the home last year. We choose to live on the same property because **NEWSFLASH** making a landlord rich is just not on my personal hit parade of goals to achieve.

Because we all live together, my elderly mother is able to stay at home instead of going to a convalescent facility.

This is called living within one's means, a concept which escapes the average image-conscious Southern Californian. My credit is fabulous, I am able to pay my bills on time and in full, I own my car and I am able to have my dogs. I don't borrow money from banks nor do I live on credit cards.

I realize this is a really hard thing for some people out there to grasp, but I am a single, 50 year old woman who is really happy to stay that way. The last thing I need or want in my life is some frantic metrosexual to maintain. No thanks. The last one was a nightmare and I have been happily single every minute of the 7 years since I left him!

I am not an anorexic blonde, I don't live in the gym,drive an SUV the size of North Dakota,and am so glad to be away from the vacuous lifestyle described on this blog that I want to jump for joy.

"Living at home", you've got it right. The marry and divorce, marry and divorce crowd are just sad, and what's worse is when they have kids trailing behind them, then they bitch about the child support payments.

There is beauty in being an honorable man, who works at an honorable job he loves, lives within his means, and treats others decently.

What you need to do is get out of Santa Barbara; I've traveled all over the world and I will tell you that there are many places out there just as (if not more) beautiful, with a much more well-adjusted populace.

Peace. Out.

Wow, talk about hijacking a thread...

I believe the lady was listing her preferences, not her absolutes. My review of Chassy's post reveals the following adjectives: "decent looks," "well-groomed a must," with the preponderance of qualities emphasizing intelligence. I mean come on -- this is a very well-mannered personal ad.

May I point out as well, that the sentence which provoked S.L.A.H. -- "In other words, I’m hoping to avoid the stalkers, the guys who still live at home with their parents, the commitment-phobics, and the players" -- is also mild, in that she wishes to avoid (but not shun, defenestrate, or mock) men with those attributes she finds undesirable. The article would have a completely different twist had Chassy desired a "recently divorced Gent with well-turned Stilettos willing to stalk everyone but me, has a manly way with a pistol, and still makes it home on time to tuck in Ma and Pa."

I suggest it is entirely reasonable to set some sort of goals for this project, but I also read within the article a woman willing to show some flexiblity, and who obviously has had her eyes opened and took the time to look around.

As I said initially, Merde!

At the risk of flogging this dog...I agree completely with Troy. People have a right to persue their "ideal" mate and C's preferences seem pretty reasonable and standard. For some reason though we as a society seem to have gotten so thin skinned and intolerant of anything non P.C... it amazes me. To characterize SB/Goleta/Carp as superficial and yuppie like is just wrong. One can go just about anywhere in casual attire and attitude. Outside of Montecito and Hope Ranch, most homes are average in standard neighborhoods. Most people work regular jobs for average pay. Most people are willing to pay an above average price for housing to be away from the maddening crowd and crime and pollution that is So Cal. (which leaves little for pretentious posing). I grew up there and that's my motivation for staying here.

I don't see any difference in SLAH using his parents to subsidize his lifestyle and a woman (or man)looking for a man (or woman) to subsidize their lifestyle... It's tough to be a single pimp in the city.

I will say that after being in S.B. for 25 yrs, the dating scene has always been a bit bleak as it is tough to stay single and stay in town. However, I think the Inet has changed that considerably. My comment about obesity comes from the gov't reports and my attraction for those who'd rather bike, surf, ski and the like to those who'd rather sit, watch movies/TV and overindulge in food and drink.

For the record (but please don't record this), I've never been married, not because I have anything against it commitment wise but just that the odds of being screwed for life by divorce lawyers scares the crap out of me. I have had multiple multi year relationships that were wonderful and ended amicably. Anyone know what Jennifer Aniston is doing this weekend?

I met the love of my life @ the Solstice Parade & later in Alameda Park. I suggest that between now & zenith time you cultivate some inner sun energy (& dress that way). Make a specific list of what you really want (not just what you'll settle for) and repeat it to yourself daily until you become an inner transmitter that will magnetically attract that energy to you. The very best of luck to you. p.s. I asked for a man that could be my best friend as well as my best lover and 23 years later that is still the case. A best friend who can still make my heart flutter. Who could want more?

It's funny that Santa Barbara gets such a abd rap for dating, because everytime I go out to tbe bars to to happy hour or to dinner, there's an ample amount of beautiful women and men, both eating/drinking and serving the food/drinks. Perhaps many are taken, but I know that before I got married at age 29, that I had quite an active dating life, and was never lacking in choices. Maybe it's harder for women to find nice men, but it seems as easy as anywhere for men to find nice, attractive, "normal" women. Maybe everyone needs to get out a little more, see some concerts at the Bowl or SOhO, hit up a Chad's happy hour, get a nightcap at Sevilla or Couchez or Roy or even the Sportsman. Or maybe the Indy should start sponsoring some sort of date night for singles? Now there's an idea.

An adult man living at home=loser. Period. Unless he's caring for his sick mom. And even then, it's a fine line.

I think “chassy” should ask out felly indy.com columnist starshine roshell, who’s apparently interesting in ladies now.