Super Bowl Wars

My wife fell into the toilet last night, and she blamed me …
again.

When I said “fell into the toilet,” I meant nothing of the kind.
There’s no falling involved. No tripping. No stumbling. It’s
premeditated. She decided to sit without first checking to see if
there’s something to sit on. We should call it what it really is:
Sitting in the bowl. And, it isn’t like this was the first time
she’d experienced the phenomenon.

At first, I thought it was a woman thing, but then I remembered
men sit, too, on the same seat women sit on. Our knees bend the
same way; gravity pulls us down with the same, if not more, force
than it does women. Yet, most men haven’t fallen in. And if a man
falls in once, he never does it again.

The reason? We look.

Surely there’s something more going on here that we men
obviously don’t understand. I say this because if this
toilet-falling thing occurred exclusively with my wife, we’d keep
it as a family secret and take her to weekly therapy. But, it’s
virtually an epidemic. It’s traversed the generations, affecting
rich and poor. Race, creed, and color make no difference when it
comes to the gravity that pulls women into the can. No matter how
men may jest, we know women aren’t dumb. But to us, the solution
seems simple — just look. You hear us say it, yet you still fall.
What is it, ladies? Explain it to us. Because I think when we
finally know, when we can ultimately say, “Oh, now I get it,” we’ll
be more apt to put that seat down for you. But, first we need to
stand in your shoes. Help us. Most of us have never donned a pair
of Mary Janes.

Women of America (aw, heck … women of the world): Find a man,
any man, and tell him the truth about toilet seats. Then, tell
another. Have your girlfriends tell the men they know. We’ll spread
the word like toilet bowl bacteria, and make today the first day of
the rest of our toilet seat problem-free lives.

— Leon Lewandowski